A try that lasted 18 years

18 years ago, a boy and I entered into a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. We were coursemate in a local northern Uni and were in our first semester, first year. We found out that we came from two adjacent housing areas in KL and our secondary schools were located closely to each other and we have mutual friends so we often get together to talk. Soon we were spending more and more time together, studying and revising our coursework. It was purely friendship. Nearing the end of the 1st semester, during exam time, our other coursemates started teasing us about being an item.

As we were just friends, I was not comfortable about being romantically linked to a boy when there was nothing romantic going on in our friendship. I just like talking to him and as he is not talkative, he is happy to let me do all the talking. So one day before our last exam paper, I raised this issue.

I told him that we should not spend so much time together anymore in order to stop the rumours of us being a couple from spreading. That was when he suggested that we give it a try. After thinking about it for a while, I agreed as I feel comfortable being just myself with him so I thought why not.

So that was the start of our boy-girl relationship. He is my first boyfriend and he is also my last boyfriend when his status with me is converted to spouse after being together as boyfriend-girlfriend for 8 long years but I do not believe we were made for each other because I do not believe that couples are made in heaven. Relationship that works require full commitment from each party. There were ups and downs but we manage to work through our differences and stay focus on our happy times.

This year, we celebrated our 18th anniversary of being a couple by moving to our new dwelling and having a 3-dish dinner at a nearby non-airconditioned restaurant. Is this date more important than our wedding date? It is equally important to me. Can most people remember when they officially become a couple with their spouses and how it happened? I like to think so. How many more years do we have, I can only wonder.

Till death do us part?

One day, while surfing the net, I came across the following question:

"If you were given a choice, would you prefer to die

a) before your spouse,
b) after your spouse or
c) at the same time as your spouse"

At that time, my answer was a) I would prefer to die before my spouse. This is because I do not want to bear the pain of living without him. But now I've changed my mind. I've decided to choose b). I would prefer to die after my spouse because I would like to be there to see him off on his final journey.

As for c), I don't think I have what it takes to choose to die together as some couples devoted to each other had done or plan to do. The following news articles about these couples bring tears to my eyes.

Healthy Vancouver woman wants to die beside her ailing husband
..
Betty Coumbias, an elderly Vancouver resident, has indicated she wants to die alongside her husband, George, who suffers from severe heart disease.
..
Mr. Coumbias declined comment on the topic, saying by e-mail that he and his wife are refusing interviews.

But a 2007 documentary on Dignitas by John Zaritsky, an Oscar-winning Canadian filmmaker, followed the couple, both 71 at the time, in their initial attempts to arrange a joint assisted suicide.

Mrs. Coumbias explains in the documentary, The Suicide Tourist, why she would take her own life despite being generally healthy.

"From the day we got married, [my husband] was all my life," she tells Mr. Minelli. "I love my two daughters, but I love him more, and I don't think I can face life without him, and since we read about Dignitas, we felt what would be better than to die together, you know, to die in each other's arms?"
..
- Tom Blackwell, National Post
Monday, April 13, 2009

Conductor Sir Edward Downes and wife end lives..
..
The couple's family said that they decided to end their lives together after struggling with serious health problems.

Lady Downes, 74, is understood to have been suffering with cancer while Sir Edward, 85, had become virtually blind and suffered loss of hearing.
..
-Telegraph.co.uk
Published: 8:13AM BST 14 Jul 2009

Pair die together..
..
Peter and Penelope Duff, from Bath, ended their lives at the Dignitas clinic in Zurich last Friday.

Their daughter Helena Conibear said her father, who was 80, and her mother, who was 70, had "passed away peacefully together" at the centre.
..
- BBC News
Published: 22:31 GMT, Thursday, 5 March 2009

UK couple die ..
A British couple suffering from chronic illnesses have died at a Swiss clinic, following an apparent suicide pact.
..
Mr Stokes, 59, suffered from epilepsy and his 53-year-old wife from diabetes and back problems, but neither was thought to have been terminally ill.
..
- BBC News
Published: Tuesday, 15 April, 2003, 17:33 GMT

I would often ask myself, when the end is near, will I then change my mind again and make the same decision as they did? Again, only time will tell.

Saving by cooking

My partner and I cooked almost all of our meals when we were living in Newbury because eating out was very, very expensive. I even skinned a whole chicken once and took photos as proof :-) as that was my one and only time.


To make it interesting, I did my best to keep the whole skin and whole chicken intact. I did it by looking up instructions on how to skin a chicken from the web. I like my chicken soup to be not so oily therefore the skin and fat must go.

Now, I no longer cook as I do not like to cook. After 4 years of cooking, I have had enough. Perhaps one day, I may discover the joy of cooking. When that happens, I will of course blog about it here but I do not think that day will come.

Mooncake festival

The mooncake festival falls on today. When I was young, my family used to celebrate the mooncake festival (mid-autumn festival) at night by setting up a table with loads of food in the garden, under the gaze of the bright round moon. There would be red bean and lotus mooncakes, water caltrops (菱角, língjiǎo ), taro(芋头), pomelo, agar-agar and drinks. Back then there weren't many types of mooncakes, unlike now where vendors try to outdo one another with all sorts of fillings - green tea, dragonfruit, toffee, chocolate, coffee, yam, sesame - for the mooncakes.

We, the children would play with lanterns and candles. I would light up rows and rows of candles on our iron main gate. Whenever a candle flame has been blown out by the wind, I would quickly light up the candle again. When all the candles have burned away, I would collect the wax residue and mold them into various shapes. It was really fun playing with the candles.

When hunger struck, we would eat those delicious food under the moonlight while admiring the full moon. My mother would then tell us the various stories about the origins of this festival. Sometimes we would join other children in parading our lanterns around the village. I couldn't remember exactly the last time I celebrated the mooncake festival this way. I can safely say that I have not celebrated mooncake festival for about 20 years now.

Only children can truly savour and treasure the magical world of lanterns, candles and moonlight. So to all the children out there celebrating mooncake festival, may all of you enjoy this day to the fullest and let your imagination run wild with the stories of Houyi, Chang-er, the rabbit in the moon and many others.

Spouse or career

Ten years ago, in mid 1999, my spouse was informed that he has been transferred to Newbury, UK to work for 3 years. At that time, we were newlyweds - just been married for 5 months. I was working in a bank as a senior IT officer. I have been working there for 4 years since graduating from a local university in the Pearl of the Orient. Many questions came to mind when I heard the news:

- Should I quit my job and follow my spouse to live in a foreign country? In 3 years time, when we move back, I would need to find a job and start my career all over again. What if I can't resume my career?

- Should I just stay in Malaysia and let him go alone since it is only for 3 years. I could visit him twice a year or vice versa.

- Should I just let him go first and once when he is up to speed with his work there and has saved up quite a bit, then I will join him.

At that time, I have just taken a staff housing loan of around 230 thousand (MYR) so if I quit my job, how am I going to afford the installment payment for my loan? There wasn't enough time for me to sell my condo unit before he leaves for UK. As his spouse, I was allowed to work in UK but the question was could I find a job in UK with my local Computer Science degree?

After thinking about it for a long time, I decided to quit my job and go with him from day 1. To me, this is what a marriage is about - to be with your spouse through thick and thin and to create experiences and memories together.

On hindsight, it all worked out. We lived in UK for 4 years, from 1999 to 2003. His 3-year UK work permit was extended for another 5 years to 2007 but we decided to cut short our stint in UK and return to Malaysia at the end of 2003 to be closer to our families in Malaysia.



The view from our place in UK during a white winter.


This is me (ten years ago), standing in front of our rental unit where we lived for 4 years. The rent was £575 per month and our landlord is a very nice English man (I think he may be Welsh not English) who did not increase our rent for the 4 years we were living there. He wanted to sell his place but decided to wait until we left.


This is my spouse, coming up the stairs to our rental unit.


Christmas 2000 in Newbury

Happy 93rd Birthday 外婆 !

My maternal grandmother (外婆) will be celebrating her 93rd birthday tomorrow. It is on the 3rd of the 8th month of the chinese calendar.

She was born in Nanjing, China in 1916 and moved to Taiwan with her whole family during the war sometime around the year 1946. She is now living alone in an apartment in Taiwan bought for her by my aunt (her eldest daughter who is now living in Canada). My uncle (her youngest son) will visit her a few times a week and both of them will go shopping for grocery. She still cooks her own meals and will travel on the bus on her own to visit her friends for mahjung sessions. She is a very independent lady.

Although my grandmother has 2 sons and 7 daughters, she chooses to live on her own. Her children are scattered around the world. My mother in Malaysia, two of my aunts in Canada, another two aunts in USA and one in China. One aunt and both my uncles living in Taiwan visit her regularly.

I have only visited my grandmother 4 times in my 38 years of living and she has only visited us in Malaysia 3 times. She says Malaysia is too hot for her so she won't be visiting us here anymore. She speaks the Nanjing dialect so sometimes I find it difficult to understand what she is saying to me.

I wish my grandmother a very Happy Birthday and may she have the best of health!

A personal choice

I met some friends the other day and they told me that a mutual friend of ours, someone my age, just gave birth to her first child. Then they proceed to ask me when will it be my turn. Truth be told, although I love to hug and cuddle babies, although my heart melts whenever I see adorable babies smile, although I feel the urge to care for young children, although I feel warm all inside when I see parents bonding with their babies, I know from way back, even before I got married that I do not need to have children of my own.

In fact, right after I have gotten married, many well-meaning friends, relatives and acquaintances asked me when do I plan to have children. I answered them politely that I plan not to have any children. Some would snigger and say, "well, you'll change your mind after a while when your maternal instinct kicks in and you'll feel the urge to have children. You'll yearn to have them so badly that you'll feel the pain cutting through your heart." They then say to me, "if you leave it for too long, you may never be able to have children that easily as your biological clock never stops ticking, you will grow too old to have children easily. You will then need to undergo expensive invasive medical procedures just to conceive so please don't wait. You'll regret it later."

What they do not know is that I did not give my answer on a whim. In fact before my marriage, I thought long and hard about this question. I sought my partner's thoughts on this too as I know that a marriage will not work if one spouse wanted children and the other did not. Fortunately both of us agree that having children is not something that we could not live without.

I strongly believe that to have or not to have children is a personal choice. No woman should be coerced, threatened or pressured into bearing children if she is not willing or not ready to do so, not by her husband, parents-in-law nor even her own parents.

I also believe that people should be able to have as many children as they want as long as they are committed to bear the responsibility of bringing up their children to be happy and well-adjusted adults. They should also be ready to meet the requirements of their children financially, physically and emotionally. They need to understand that children are human beings with their own rights, with their own feelings and needs. Children need to be loved and cared for in a stable home.

There is no one particular strong reason why I choose not to have children. It is just that I do not see why I should have children.
Some of the questions and comments that I get from people when they know that I choose not to have children are as below and I have also put in my answers to them.

1. Aren't you curious to know who your children will look like?

I do not have a need to create a new human being from myself and my spouse just to satisfy our curiosity on who they will look like.

2. Don't you love children?

I do and my love for children could be put to good use by me helping out with caring for the children of my relatives.

3. Who will care for you when you are old?

I think it is very unfair to have children just because the parents are afraid that no one will take care of them when they are old. It is a burden to the child to be born just to be a carer and to be the sole provider for the parents during old age.

Save and invest wisely when young so that one can take care of oneself when old. Strive to stay healthy when old by eating healthily and exercise regularly when young.

4. Who will carry on your spouse's family name?

Can someone explain to me why is there a need for someone to carry on any family name?

5. Having a child will complete you. You cannot be considered a woman until you become a mother.

I do not believe that being a mother is a woman's highest calling. There are many other things for a woman to do apart from giving birth and being a mother.

6. Having children is the natural next step after getting married.

One do not have to follow the well-trodden path.

7. We need young workers to replace the old.

Just extend the retirement age. Many old people are still healthy and are still happy to work.

8. Your country needs more {insert race here} so you need to contribute to the {insert race here} population.

I am not a racist.

9. You are missing out on some of the most fulfilling experiences in life.

Being pregnant, giving birth and raising children are experiences that I do not mind not having.

10. How can you be so cruel as to deny your children the joy of living.

How can someone who does not exist in this world (i.e. my children) be denied of anything?

11. Nothing can beat the wonderful feeling of hearing your biological children say that they love you.

I do not mind not having that wonderful feeling.

12. Your children will bring such joy to your life. Having them in your life will motivate you to work harder and give you energy to work that you never imagine that you have. You will have a purpose in life.

Do you mean to say that you have no motivation to work hard, no energy to work and no purpose in life before having your own children? For me, I do not need to have my own children to give me all the above.

Those are about all the comments that I can remember. May all the children on earth have a happy childhood and grow up to be well-adjusted adults!