Thursday, May 27, 2010

What's your answer to this?

I was forwarded an email from Susie and Otto Collins (Relationship Coaches) mailing list by a friend and found the question very interesting so I thought I would post the question here for comments. What would your advice be for this lady?

***QUESTION FROM A READER (of relationship articles by Susie and Otto Collins):

"Hi Susie / Otto, Please could you advise me on the issue
of partners meeting friends of the opposite sex one to one.

My rather Asian and conservative belief is that husbands
should never go out for a movie/late dinner with a female
friend. The reason for my belief is that regular one to one
contact with a female friend could (potentially) lead to
(at worst case) an affair. And that men (and women) should avoid putting themselves in that situation, ie temptation.

My boyfriend sees where I am coming from but disagrees
and thinks that it stems from me just point blankly not
trusting him, given that he has never done anything to
not be trusted. He is insulted that I am unable to trust
him to resist temptation even if it did come along.

Not only does he think differently on this, he is a very
reserved person - and therefore, in any situation, he
genuinely finds 3-somes very difficult and pointless : one
can have a better quality catch up when it's one on one

To be fair to him, because of his reservedness, he meets
these individual friends 3-4 times a year(each) - which in
the grand scheme things isn't a lot.

I would very much like to get the stage where I am laissez
faire with whoever he sees ..... how can I ?? And what is a
fair compromise given that neither does he want me to
intrude in his time with his female friends?

Thank you in advance for your help.

I find your articles very helpful by the way."


Source: email from Susie and Otto Collins (Relationship Coaches) mailing list


  1. this question.. easy nia..

    u know ur spouse dun likey, then curi-curi do your "thing"...

    *run far far*

  2. thanks for dropping by my blog!

    well, personally I think communication is key in any relationship - we can't stop each other from socializing but ultimately we have to know our boundaries and avoid being tempted. It all comes down to trust, and commitment.

  3. Mmm. I'm facing the same dilemma in my current relationship. Where my ex had given me so much freedom, I would stay overnight with male friends, my current one gets suspicious even if I take a walk with one now.

    Trust is really of paramount importance.

  4. I am just like that reader and understand where she is coming from.

    Like her, I am absolutely against the idea of my hubby meeting a female one-to-one, unless it's strictly work-related. To meet a female friend "socially" and alone, is a big NO for me.

    Sounds extreme? To some people, maybe. But these are boundaries which I made very clear to my hubby before marriage. And he expects the same of me.

    Trust is indeed very important in a relationship. But trust to me is also knowing for sure that my hubby would never meet a woman one-to-one secretly behind my back.

  5. meet one to one with an opposite sex behind my back is absolutely not acceptable be it a good friend or not. As long as he is honest with me, meaning, telling me in advance, it is alright. Nevertheless, don't make it a habit.

  6. Hi Mun, chance upon your blog and found this entry interesting. Here's my take on it. Having been married for 19 yrs, this is how I feel. It takes '2'-Yes and '1'-No. Both partners should put each others feelings first. If either partner feels in any way uncomfortable about any arrangements, then it is a NO. Saying 'trust' is a cop out. Temptation can turn into an addiction and other destructive behaviour which could/would strain the relationship. Why put yourself in that shoe in the first place unless of course that other third party is at least 90+ years old....:):):)
    **Disclaimer - Only applies to 'normal' couples and does not give either partner rights over the other.

  7. Thank you ladies for all your interesting comments and a warm welcome to Boon Lee, Imperfect Parent and GG.

    Gargles, hhmm, I don't think it is good advice to curi-curi.

    Boon Lee, yes, communication is important.

    Jan, so in your current relationship, do you avoid your other male friends now?

    Imperfect Parent, I don't think your expectation of your spouse sounds extreme. It is good that both of you agree to live by the same rules.

    Redbabe, definitely the curi-curi way recommended by Gargles is not allowed, right?

    GG, it is so true what you said - that temptation can turn into addiction. The issue is most men think that they are very strong and will not give in to temptation.

  8. well... the guy should be thankful that his partner is giving him the freedom. and he should not make himself so 'fussy'. haha. that's what i think. maybe sometimes people forgot that personal space is very important.

    RYC: Thanks for dropping by! but i think i'm too vocal. but it's kinda sad to know that i'm just replaceable in any company. but i guess my words shook the manager to the core. i guess maybe she never expected a downline to be that vocal. i really give her a piece of my mind, which i think till today i should have done it more tactfully. but it's amazing for holding my breath for over 24 hours after listening the news without exploding. maybe the manager thinks what the hell is the youngest admin staff saying all this... but if she thinks i'm too vocal.. she has not seen how much more vocal my students are. sometimes seeing them makes me more afraid.